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*Hover over footnotes to read them*

     If I said that I did not enjoy the Twilight Saga I would be lying. I read all four books, saw the movies, and I even read the “Out-takes” on Stephenie Mayer’s website (out takes, similar to deleted scenes from a movie1). Please, hold off on killing me just yet, fellow dissenters. I must explain my intent before I am crucified like Tupac, Jesus, Santa Claus and all of the other fairy tale creatures2 with good messages about love, kindness, and the pursuit of bitches.
     Put as simply as I can achieve, Twilight is fucking terrible. The writing is awful, hackneyed, and utterly cannibalizes every depiction of vampires that has ever been dreamt up by better writers than Stephenie Meyer3. Sure, I enjoy Twilight in a sense, but I enjoy it in the same way that I enjoy watching a house burn to the ground. Damn, you feel sorry for the owners of that home and hope that they have good insurance (and hopefully remembered the baby), but I'll be damned if that house fire isn't cool to look at.
     I understand what Twilight is, and as a piece of fluff literature I am at peace with it. What I am absolutely not at peace with is the concept of the Twilight Saga being perceived as passable literature by any definition4. Twilight does not hold a candle to literature of a similar genre, nor does it even hold its own when compared to most popular literature of its intended “target audience”, a term that I loosely define as being utterly pointless to begin with5. But you know, I get it. I understand what it means to have a guilty pleasure. I understand knowing intellectually that something I find enjoyable is utter rubbish, but I find myself enjoying it anyway (as is the case with Glee6 in my circumstances). The problem with Twilight, however, is that its fans are often too dim witted to recognize how poorly written the saga really is. Consequently, their poor taste in literature results in an unbridled willingness defend it to the death against people like me who they have literally no chance of carrying on a cogent debate with. Essentially, this gives me the opportunity to use them for personal and financial gain without their knowledge. It is easy. Far too easy.
     There is a reason why Twilight has a following and it can be hard to see or understand if one is unfamiliar with the fandom in some way or another. As stated, Twilight fans are often not knowledgeable enough of good literature to realize how terrible the writing of the Twilight Saga really is7. For that matter, a significant number of Meyer's fans that I’ve personally encountered have an undeveloped and/or generally lacking grasp of the English language, specifically punctuation, let alone whether the language contained in Twilight makes any sense or not. For example: “Lolz im so ecited for new moon,,, Jacob looks so tasty!!!11!!!”. That comment is by Ashiza on TwilightSource.com. Ashiza later added, “Oh em gee i lyk ttly still tuink Edward is hottttt.”8 This kind of abuse of the English language is unfortunately not an isolated incident in the Twihard9 community. I'm just fucking with you because, in addition to being totally sane, Twilight fan girls are excellent in their studies of English grammar!

     Stephenie Meyer’s fanbase is perhaps the worst thing to happen to literature since the Crusades10.  That said, Stephenie Meyer is clever. She certainly understands what makes a young woman’s (or young homosexual man’s) heart drip with estrogen (and/or testosterone… or something equally, you know… drippy) which is perhaps the only reason why the saga has such a strong following. Without sexy immortal men what do you have? A poorly written vampire novel that would soon be found on the discount shelf at Barnes and Noble, or perhaps in a book burning. Preferably the latter. I am not typically a fan of book burning but I think that fire is the only way to kill Meyer's vampires11.

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The content on this website is crude, profane, and generally offensive to intellectually sensitive individuals, or Mormons. It's funny because it's true. You can't make this stuff up. I mean for serious. But seriously, no fictional characters were harmed in the making of SparklyVampires.com, though a significant number of the bacteria on my keyboard are psychologically damaged after years of intense beatings. On the bright side, however, the hamster that generates power for my server using a hamster wheel tied to the discs in my harddrive is alive and very happy to have a beach bod to show off this upcoming summer as a result of working in a very fast-paced sweatshop.

SparklyVampires.com is a satirical websie and is not to be taken seriously. Any copyright infringement claims can be directed here. I do not own Twilight, nor am I affiliated with Stephenie Meyer, Summit Entertainment, Little Brown Publishing, or any other party deluded enough to be associated with the Twilight Saga, though I have in the past donated a significant chunk of money to the Foundation to Fix Kirsten Stewart's Face (FFKSF). Any questions, complaints, concerns, or fangirl rage should be sent directy to the author via the contact form. Any other means of contact will be ignored. All messages accusing me of being homophobic or anti-gay can be directed to one of my many ex-boyfriends.

 
 
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