I do want to say that Stephenie Meyer is by no means stupid.. she's just... an idiot. I qualify it in this way because her other novel, "The Host" is not terrible (though it still features overly simplistic characters and loads of misogyny) besides the some two-hundred pages in the middle that are incredibly boring. The biggest problem with the Host, however, is that she completely jacked the storyline from K.A. Applegate's children's series, "Animorphs". I am somewhat surprised that Applegate has not sued, though the favor may have been paid forward by the lack of a lawsuit between Meyer and the author of Fifty Shades of Grey, which I will eventually write something about12. My point being that she is capable of writing well, she just has to steal from better, more creative authors to do so.
Back on the topic of Twilight, I wish that Meyer had told me her idea and asked me to write it instead. Not that I am the best writer on Earth or anything, but I do have something on Meyer… I am not an abject imbecile, and I have the common sense to research my concept before plowing into it like an over-enthusiastic steam roller. I am also not a Mormon mother with a shelf full of unmemorable harlequin romance. I have taste. You know, taste? That thing that people who read real literature have? I could make Twilight brilliant. Think of my version of Twilight like something of a mix between Stoker and Rice with big, throbbing cocks. Delicious... and completely necessary.
Twilight plays out like a poorly planned fan fiction, written by a young woman in her first year of junior college with a focus in English. Not quite refined, still pretty naïve and lacking in a full understanding of English and the given subject matter. You know... vampires. Taking Twilight as it is makes it much more enjoyable13. Twilight is stupid. There is no real rhyme or reason to the way its written and it takes itself far too seriously. I love that about it. I enjoy watching Twilight movies for the same reason why I enjoy watching white trash on Jerry Springer yell at each other about baby mamas, paternity tests and... erm crabs, or something else that’s itchy and inhabits the pants14. It's funny to watch something so stupid, so unadulteratedly idiotic, take itself as seriously as Twilight does. It’s kind of like Glee after season one, and also before season one.
I like the simplest idea of Twilight but my dislike for the series can be narrowed down to several main issues.
First off, vampires do not (do not Not NOT NOT NOT!!) sparkle in the sunlight. They DIE in the sunlight. It makes them edgy, dark and makes them VAMPIRES. What the hell is a vampire that does not burn to ash in the sunlight? It is an emo kid… An emo kid who shops at Hot Topic, dresses like Edward Scissorhands (which is cool, but can only be pulled off by Johnny Depp) and drinks clamato juice, pretending that he/ze/she is really drinking blood.
Then, I finally understood. Okay, so, Edward is cold. Somehow, colder than room temperature which totally defies physics, but whatever. Edward is sparkling because of condensation! It all makes sense now! Edward isn't a sparkly vampire, he's a condensating vampire! Right? RIGHT? Yeah, I am going to stick with that sentiment throughout the rest of this review. 15 But seriously, no self-respecting vampire fucking glitters in the sunlight. Isn't that right, Claudia?
Second, vampires drink human blood. Not gazelle blood. HUMAN blood. That’s just gay. Really fucking gay. (If you oppose my use of the word "gay", please view my explanation here.) It would be much more interesting if the entire Cullen family just drank the shit out of human blood but were all too enticed by Bella to want her dead. Instead, they make her a vampire and let Edward fuck her all night long. Awesome, right? That, however, brings me to one of my biggest problems with the series as a whole.
The content on this website is crude, profane, and generally offensive to intellectually sensitive individuals, or Mormons. It's funny because it's true. You can't make this stuff up. I mean for serious. But seriously, no fictional characters were harmed in the making of SparklyVampires.com, though a significant number of the bacteria on my keyboard are psychologically damaged after years of intense beatings. On the bright side, however, the hamster that generates power for my server using a hamster wheel tied to the discs in my harddrive is alive and very happy to have a beach bod to show off this upcoming summer as a result of working in a very fast-paced sweatshop.
SparklyVampires.com is a satirical websie and is not to be taken seriously. Any copyright infringement claims can be directed here. I do not own Twilight, nor am I affiliated with Stephenie Meyer, Summit Entertainment, Little Brown Publishing, or any other party deluded enough to be associated with the Twilight Saga, though I have in the past donated a significant chunk of money to the Foundation to Fix Kirsten Stewart's Face (FFKSF). Any questions, complaints, concerns, or fangirl rage should be sent directy to the author via the contact form. Any other means of contact will be ignored. All messages accusing me of being homophobic or anti-gay can be directed to one of my many ex-boyfriends.